i was going to try and do something cool, but now i think i'll just go through the verse. let it speak to me. see what happens.
before i read this psalm i kneeled at my bed and prayed. that's unusual for me. recently i've been more the type to throw hail marys out there (in the non-catholic sense). i haven't devoted time to praying. i haven't devoted time to reading the word. sure, i think about doing it, but whenever i try i get bored. or i feel unable to separate myself from the reading. if i could go away, things might be fine. if you could strip away the andrew and lay bare all my thoughts, then i could say, wow! that's the holy spirit! that's not me talking, that's God! the problem is i don't know that i could do that. it sounds like a counter intuitive budhist emptying of the mind. how else will i separate God's voice from my own? God, how can I hear you? I ask to hear you.
i believe. that's not a problem. and i spend a bit of time thinking about the nature of humanity, the role of God in creation, Christ's sacrifice for me, and how that's reflected in nature and in others. i'm careful to consider things that teach me about suffering, forgiveness, and faith. i read important works that speak to me in their eloquence, in their portrayal of the world as it is; works that reach out for the divine. works that do what i so unfrequently do. Lord, i feel like i sometimes find you there. but's it's a knowledge thing. just like reading the gospels and memorizing the stations of the cross or the ten commandments--i'm learning about you, but i don't know how to seek a relationship with you.
i think there's something more than belief. something more like faith. i believe in a trinitarian God. i believe in the incarnation. i believe in the crucifixion and the resurrection. i may even believe some heresies, like that you speak in subtle ways through others. the Truth is in the Bible, but there is truth everywhere. i believe these things, but it seems like faith is something more than that. it's believing that you will take action. it's believing that You will speak to me., or more accurately, that i will hear when you speak to me. it's believing that you're more than a background force that makes the world go around, makes the plants grow, stops a traffic accident here and there. it's believing that you will do the impossible--you will stop this patten of sin that i have created and can't seem to break. it's believing that i can one day desire to read your book, that i can look forward to a conversation with you because it feels like something more than me talking to myself.
i say that i believe and i tend to equate that will faith, but it's something entirely different; i'm no abraham. we all know the story, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Issac. we're told this is faith, but faith of what? the one thing that's clear is that abraham is obedient. he does what's he told, he's an amazing example of how we're to follow God. but Christ doesn't praise Abe for his ability to follow directions, it's faith not obedience. it's funny though, this 'faith' has been harder to tease out for me. perhaps it's that abaraham is able to be obedient BECAUSE of his faith. so what's he believe? perhaps because of the conclusion, i always thought that abe believed that God would just tell him to stop before the deed was done. "once i get up this mountain, he'll tell me it's all just a test," he'd think. or maybe he believed that God would perform another miracle birth. after issac's death, model two would be born to a 200 year old sarah. believing that would take some faith right? but maybe it's even more than that. check out soren kierkegaard's fear and trembling...
...
...that's faith. do i have that? do i believe in the impossible? Lord, help me be an abraham. you who can do all things, help me to have the faith that i can be an abraham, that i can walk so closely to you that i can have something that burns brighter than belief. right now i don't have that faith. i believe that you hear me but my doubt in self overwhelms that belief.
1Hear my prayer, O LORD; yes, Lord, hear my prayer.
give ear to my supplications in your faithfulness; i don't know what it is that i ask, but Lord answer me, and help me to hear that answer.
answer me in your righteousness.
2Do not enter into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3For the enemy has pursued me,
crushing my life to the ground,
making me sit in darkness like those long dead.
4Therefore my spirit faints within me; Lord, you know how this is true. i thank you for forgiving me and giving me your Holy Spirit.
my heart within me is appalled.
5I remember the days of old,
I think about all your deeds, job, job, alive, alive, blessings of friends.
I meditate on the works of your hands.
6I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Jesus, i don't know that this is true. i don't know how thirsty i am. perhaps i've swallowed so much sand i can't even tell i'm thirsty. give me the thirst.
Selah
7Answer me quickly, O LORD; yes, Jesus, I am of little faith, give me faith to wait.
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me,
or I shall be like those who go down to the Pit.
8Let me hear of your steadfast love in the morning, i know you love me.
for in you I put my trust.
Teach me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9Save me, O LORD, from my enemies; from myself, from the internet...
I have fled to you for refuge.
10Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
Let your good spirit lead me
on a level path.
11For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life.
In your righteousness bring me out of trouble.
12In your steadfast love cut off my enemies,
and destroy all my adversaries,
for I am your servant.
amen.
